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Friday night was ‘Song for Europe’ night. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I’m bit of a Eurovision lover. The contest is 55 years old this year – and was always one of the highlights of the TV year for me as a child. I love the fact that all of these nations come together, I love the extreme variety of world music, costume and dancing – and I love the fact that it’s pure kitsch cheese!

Despite the fact we pay alot of money towards the contest each year – and have even saved it several times from obscurity – we seem to be doing progressively worse with each passing year. Politics and tactical voting between countries haven’t helped – but the calibre of performers and songwriters we choose is, to put it bluntly, appalling! The 6 acts chosen were NOT the cream of the country – more Carnation evaporated milk! Nerves aside, some of them had seriously poor and ill-tuned voices. Great karaoke voices yes (let’s face it, most had only ever done that!) but not professional enough to represent their country in front of 120 million viewers!

And did the BBC forget to check their dancing (no lets even narrow that down further!) – movement skills!? What about hand co-ordination!? Apparently not! Some of their [lack of] moves were unbeliveable!

[Sir] Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote last years song – dragging us back into the final results Top 5. But unfortunately he is nowhere to be seen this year – and has instead been replaced by Pete Waterman of S.A.W. 80’s fame! The S.A.W factory wrote number hits for Kylie Minogue and Rick Astley amongst many others – but their time has certainly passed!

I really liked the start of this newly penned song – (could that not be looped for 2 mins 59!?) but then it didn’t quite live up to its expectation! But let’s face it – Stock Aitken and Waterman had hits before most of these contestants were even born! Their musical cliches and chord sequences are dated now – and their lyrics would surely only do an English GCSE portfolio proud!

‘I don’t know about you..but that sounds good to me!’??? Talk about a Jason Donovan B-Side! Never more has a cliche been so untrue. I think they should have stolen the very ironic Nikki French title ‘Don’t play that song again!’ Instantly forgettable (on first listen) – so let’s hope that we perform last! I fear that will be our only chance!

But who is representing us this year? Well all was decided on Friday. 6 acts performed before being narrowed down to 3 by Pete Waterman himself. The acts sang again (the Eurovision song) and this time the British public chose.

Sadly all 6 acts were quite poor! Esma forget her words and swung her arms around incessantly!  Cries of ‘oh she’s only 17 or well that’s nerves for you’ by people afterwards only gets my response of ‘Precisely – what was she doing on there!’ Miss Fitz had two good singers (the red head with the famous dad obviously was there only for that reason!) – and sadly I had to agree with the panel –  they were 3 wannabe soloists trying to launch themselves as a group so that they could go solo! They’ve been watching X Factor a la Cheryl far too much for their own good. I liked Alexis – it’s a shame his intonation was poor a lot of the time because I think he would have been much better chosen to represent us – as an overall package he was more Eurovision.  Uni5 did a great job considering – though whoever did their choreography needs to be sacked. Have they never heard of the saying ‘less is more’!? Pairing the two guys to sing at the end was a big mistake. I could go on. I believe their journey had been the hardest as 3 weeks ago the 5 of them had never even met! Yet they were torn apart by the judges, deservedly so, but not when their performing peers were equally poor in so many similar areas and not challenged. Karen obviously had a good voice – but thankfully (for her future) it doesn’t suit S.A.W pop – at all! I believe she was overlooked – but on her performance alone it was deserved.  

Josh was sadly the best and did, I feel, deserve to win out of a bad bunch. With absolutely no dance skills, we’ve got 2 months now to teach him to be able to walk, move his hips, find rhythm – and ooze (ooh aah just a little bit of) sex appeal.  He’s an attractive boy next door for sure – but will probably be completely lost in Oslo amidst an arena of experienced performers, singers, dancers, oh…and walking hip movers! Our Eurovision dreams have definitely been dashed for another year!